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To the Housekeeper Taking Care of the Ninth Floor of My Hotel
I bought an apple yesterday, intending to eat it this morning. I like apples cold and crispy, so I left it by the open bathroom window. Then I decided to shower, so I moved the apple to the bedroom...
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Please endorse me for microfiche operation and Dewey Decimal expertise.
I was on LinkedIn the other day; I’m not sure why, other than it’s a thing I’m supposed to use to connect to people, most of whom I hope never to need to contact and never need to contact me, and some...
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Why can’t you die quietly, like a gentleman?
Have you read Bill Keller’s New York Times column about Lisa Adams, who’s blogging her way through cancer treatment? I did, and it resulted in the first official King of States! Dander-Raising of 2014....
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How do you like them apples, “Dewey Defeats Truman”?
This is an actual news article with what is, perhaps, the most wonderful headline in the history of media. (No offense intended to anyone who falls victim to the cannibal rats. Surely, even their...
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Everyone take a deep breath while I tell you about the best TSA experience...
Let’s take a break from wishing bodily harm on rapists and rape apologists to consider how fantastic my hair is: it is curly, it is bouncy, it is kooky and spoingy and wonderful, and it got me pulled...
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And forgive the Bearded Lady, Amen.
Did you know? The patron saint of carneys is also the patron saint of murderers. His name is Saint Julian the Hospitaller, and he once hallucinated that a deer told him he was going to kill his...
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This is even worse than that time we left the cake out in the rain.
What did cake ever do to deserve this? Oh, right, only bring joy, happiness, and chocolate ganache to millions of people every day. And this is how we repay it. Go to therapy like the rest of us, and...
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Dear Three Kids in the Elevator with Me on Wednesday Evening
I’m not sorry I had food poisoning or that I puked in the elevator, because I had no control over either of those things, but I am sorry you had just come from the pool and were wearing flip-flops....
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It’s like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a fifth of gin.
TERRIBLE IRONY: By the time you finish paying off your educational debt, you are too old to engage in drunken shenanigans on a weekend when you’re already exhausted from moving to a new apartment, and...
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If anyone tries to stop you, just shove ‘em out of the way.
Happy Columbus Day! If you’d like to celebrate with me, meet me tomorrow at the southeast corner of 21st Street and 5th Avenue, 10AM. We’ll pick a direction to walk in, enter the first store we come...
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I am shocked at Buzzfeed’s lax editorial standards.
There’s an article on Buzzfeed at the moment about the improbably-named Benedict Cumberbatch, who appeared in a fashion magazine wearing a t-shirt declaring, “This is what a feminist looks like.” (Yes,...
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Helpful hint, free of charge.
If you are writing a sentence that begins, “I’m not a racist…” and the next part of that sentence starts with “but,” do not write that sentence. Tagged: Free Advice, Science is still working on the...
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Western religion, as explained by my dog.
(Please note that the dog is significantly cuter than he is smart. Although he cannot actually read, write, or speak, we believe he is Jewish. Yes, we anthropomorphize the dog to a problematic degree....
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Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, possibly because your giant...
Americans, demand better of your media. Here is an actual thing that an actual person said on television today, in reference to the Charlie Hebdo attack: Bream wondered how police would be able to...
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A partial list of things your ungrateful friend might want.
As I was walking home from the gym this afternoon, a pair of woman walking just ahead was having an animated, angry conversation. Quoth woman-on-the-left: “I got her the fucking golf balls; I don’t...
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Saved by the unicorn blood is more like it.
We can all agree that Mario Lopez is some kind of ageless wizard who exists outside of time, yes? TELL US YOUR SECRETS, A.C. SLATER. Tagged: Aging, Celebrities, Whatever happened to Mr Belding?
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My other apartment is a Chipotle burrito bowl.
From a Craigslist – Amsterdam apartment listing: “Unfurnished and immediately available very spacious, well laid out and very well maintained double-down house of about 96m², situated in a beautiful...
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OH: Truer Words
“How was Long Island?” “It was picturesque, like a postcard. No one was screaming. There was very little garbage.” This is, hands-down, the best review of Long Island I have ever heard, although I’m...
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On survival, and enough.
It’s two-thirty in the morning. I’d like to be sleeping. Instead, I’m propped up on a corner of the sofa, bleeding like a stuck pig and trying not to whimper audibly as I wait for this...
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As though I didn’t already love Hilary Mantel.
“When it was time to write, and he took his pen in his hand, he never thought of consequences; he thought of style. I wonder why I ever bothered with sex, he thought; there’s nothing in this breathing...
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